First Attempt - The Verlian - Would Love Feedback


Stumbling to my feet, the feeling of heat rushes by me.

Who’s yelling at me? What’s happening!?

“We have to go NOW! He’ll be after us too if we don’t hurry! MOVE!” yells a woman as she yanks my arm. Suddenly, I’m running as fast as I can. Balls of fire whistle past my face.

“I’ll kill him myself. That bastard!”, I screamed. “This will never stop will it!?”

What am I saying? Why am I so sad, and ANGRY!?

“We can’t think about that right now! Lend me your light!” She yells as she leaps into the air, spinning around while pulling out her bow. Raising my hands, struggling to conjure a white, luminescent light between my palms, a sense of loss overcomes me.

This light. It’s so warm and natural, but it devastates me. Why? Why am I here?

She readies an arrow on the string as the light shoots from my hands onto the bow. The arrow glows so beautifully, feeling like my last light of hope. When it thunderously strikes the ground, distorted voices scream in agony behind us.

That doesn’t sound like people. What is chasing me?!

“That should buy us some time. Hurry, through that door!” she commands.

Just noticing our surroundings, it all feels familiar to me, the cobblestone street, the weird-looking buildings, that beautiful sky. Why is this happening in this peaceful place?

“Get in now! We don’t know when they’ll be back!” she whispers.

Staying quiet behind the door, snarling grunts and heavy footsteps pass by. Fatigue and sorrow are rapidly filling my soul.

“I think we’ve lost them for now. Ok. We need to —. Veril? Veril! Look at me!” she desperately calls to me as quietly as she can.

After staring into nothingness for an eternity, my knees drop. Strength can no longer hold these emotions as my hands fall to the floor.

I feel so lost, so broken. Why am I so crushed? I feel like my life is over.

“What do I do now?” hopelessness shattering through my voice. I look up at her, nearly blinded by my tears. “WHAT DO I DO NOW!?”

That dream made its debut performance when I was five years old. A constant scene with no beginning, no end. Never controlling what happens, but always feeling the loss of hope, of life. Usually I wake up crying, but this time, it was different.

Did he forget all memory? Then, describe that more. If fire whizzed pats my head, I’d be terrified. I think it’d be good if you showed a bit more emotion.

Very chaotic. I like it! More emotion would enhance the experience, as well as perhaps a smoother transition to let us know it was just a dream. Maybe like the MC interrupting sequences by trying to convince themself it was only a dream.

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Thank you! That is giving me a good idea!

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Hey Thanks! That gives me a great idea for the transition!

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You’re welcome! Happy to help!

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