Galaxy Chase - Book One - First 2 Chapters - Homage Story

Galaxy Chase
Planet of the Deep Core
By: David Serra

Chapter 1: The Farewell Gifts

Andrew Watts did not have cold feet; he needed to leave Hammillark for a different reason that night. 

His wife, Beatrice Hauk, stared out at the midnight stars on the balcony in her nightgown while not looking at them. Andrew gently put his hand on her shoulder, but she stepped to the side, away from him. He let his head droop and fiddled with a couple of small boxes in his jacket pocket. The cold air of the nighttime desert felt more brisk than usual.
“She’s going to ask about you. I’ll tell her you died.” Beatrice said blankly.
“I’m not leaving you forever,” Andrew replied in a comforting tone.
“Then why are you going?”
Andrew sorted through the thoughts in his head in search of a good thing to say. His mind wandered to their six-month-old daughter, Eden, who was asleep in her crib. He fingered his pocket again.
“I have to do this… for her.”
Beatrice turned to face him, her expression locked in a vacant stare. “You have the choice to watch your daughter grow up. What do you expect to find out there?”
“When the time comes, this will all make sense. You and Eden will come to see why I have to do this.”
He produced one of the boxes from his pocket and held it out to her. She stared at it as if to smack it out of his hand. Gingerly she took the box without any expression. Andrew pecked her on the cheek; she didn’t flinch or acknowledge it in any way.
He went into their daughter’s room and leaned over her as she slept. Tenderly rubbing her head, he kissed her on the forehead. She stirred a bit before falling back into her dreams. Andrew secured the second box in the hidden safe of Eden’s room and locked it. He noticed Beatrice standing in the doorway; he quietly moved around her and patted her shoulder. She tried not to react as a single tear ran down her face. Andrew gathered the stuff he packed and headed out the door towards his hovercar. Beatrice watched him as he took off towards the distance in the direction of the Starway port.
She opened the box while she ventured back inside the cottage with her melancholy beginning to rise. Inside was an old-fashioned and durable watch with a note saying: I love you, Bea, I am so glad that you and Eden are part of my life. I will always be with you. Love: Andrew.
With those words, Beatrice plopped down on a couch and let her sadness take over her, putting on the watch and drowning out her tears in a pillow.
Eden would come to think that her father vanished without a trace.

Chapter 2: The Distress Signal

Eden Hauk, at age seventeen, raced around the dunes on her hoverbike. 

The scorching sun bathed the desert while she zoomed across the landscape towards the small village. Across the dunes, her hoverbike stirred up sand while being put into overdrive. She took the time to do a few flips in the air before landing on the sand and slowing as the village got closer. She came to a stop outside her mother’s bar and parked outside. She chained her hoverbike to a pole and ventured towards the marketplace, patting her zipped-up pocket of coins. Glancing up at the clock that towered over the village, she squinted in the sun to see the time. Knowing that she was cutting it close again, she went forth to one of the stands selling water.
“Isn’t your mom expecting you?” asked the fox-like vendor.
“Not for another hour. I want water, please.” She replied and handed the vendor her money.
“I thought your mom owns a bar.”
“Yeah, but I felt like getting water from you today.”
“You humans are strange.”
The vendor handed her the jug. Eden headed for the bar while looking around at the activity of the marketplace. She noticed an armadillo-like vendor selling jewelry to a wealthy and warty toad-like aristocrat who flashed a glare at her. Eden stuck her tongue out in response. The aristocrat snatched her jug away from her with her long sticky tongue.
“Hey!” Eden charged at her but was blocked off by the aristocrat’s hulking and toad-like bodyguards.
The aristocrat guzzled down the entire jug of water and tossed it back to her with a snarky look. The bodyguards shoved her back. She stumbled over her legs, barely maintaining her balance. She straightened up and reached for her laser knife when she heard her mom call, “Eden, get in here!”
Eden craned her neck to see her mom standing by the bar’s entrance with a stern look on her face. She wanted to charge again at the aristocrat. She was already in her stretch hoverlimo and taking off. Eden slouched and reluctantly went into the bar with her mom.
“Eden, if you wanted water, why didn’t you ask me?”
“I want to do things for myself.”
“I understand that, but that still gives you no right to pick fights with someone you don’t know.”
Eden sighed and took a seat on a stool at the bar counter.
“Beatrice, my fellows and I are waiting.” A crow-like patron spoke up while waving his glass.
“Be with you in a second.”
She handed Eden a glass of water before getting a large jug of stone juice and heading over to the patrons. Eden sipped her water half-heartedly when a familiar voice sounded off in her ears from behind her.
“It’s going to be one of those days again, huh?”
Without looking up, Eden spoke, “You have no idea Gabby.”
Gabby took a seat next to her and was careful not to whack her with her long tail. Eden set her water down on the counter and turned to face Gabby, her pointed and scaly muzzle inches away from her nose.
“Too close, Gabby.”
“Oh, sorry, I forgot.”
Gabby moved an inch away and accidentally struck a bear-like patron’s behind with her tail.
“Hey, watch that thing, you lizard!” He gruffly ordered.
Gabby scooted away from him and turned to face Eden, who downed the rest of her water. Eden paid no attention to them. She was too busy looking around at all the different types of patrons in her mom’s bar. Beatrice returned behind the counter to serve more patrons, with Eden staring at the old watch that her mother wore.
“So, you want to go exploring?” Gabby asked.
“Not really.”
Gabby strummed her claw on the counter, deep in thought.
“Look, Gabby, we explored all that there is on this miserable planet. What else is there left for us to see?”
“Well, you still have the Amphibiflyer, right?”
“Yeah, but I don’t feel like going anywhere at the moment.”
“Are you sure?”
Eden went to answer when her buzzerphone vibrated in her light jacket’s pocket. With one glance up at her mom, who was busy, she looked at the message and narrowed her eyes.
“It’s a distress signal from Jonerecammas,” Eden said, almost to herself.
“Isn’t that the ocean planet?” Gabby asked, surprised.
Eden nodded. “Come on, Gab. Let’s check it out.”
They hurriedly left outside toward where their spaceship, the Amphibiflyer, was stored. Beatrice watched them the entire time as they took off into space.

Off to a good start. Without knowing your writing style. My only suggestion would be have word or another program read it back to you. I found a couple of places that did not flow easily. I have found having it read back to you. You can catch these spots. Good luck

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Thank you for the advice. Much appreciated :slight_smile:

I’m hooked! I agree with the above comment though, it was a little rough, but for an early draft (I’m assuming that’s what it is) this is really good. It reminds me a lot of Treasure Planet (Sci-Fi Treasure Island by Disney) and Star Wars— two of my favorite reads/films! I can’t wait for more. Keep up the good work. :slight_smile:

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Agree with @Dan it is off to a good start. The opening chapter was subtle in setting the place, which always gives me hope for the book. Hovercar and Starway port are enough to tell us this isn’t now. It could get melodramatic this scene and we can all think of those that have, the man going off to war/adventure/another woman/etc. and the wife begging him to stay. I felt your dialogue was in alignment with Andrew who wants to say goodbye to his family and give his gifts without drama and Beatrice who wants him to change his mind and stay with them. One has to lose and then we see the results of Beatrice losing. You might go through in a later revision and look for opportunities to tighten the pain Beatrice is feeling or bolster Beatrice’s argument for Andrew to stay. I found your ending sentence both a solid ending to the chapter and a needed bridge to years later. Because Eden would think of her father vanished without a trace I was pulled into the scene of this grown Eden. So like @Skylark I was hooked and turning the page to the next chapter.
In chapter 2 I see a head-strong, tough girl on a strange planet with strange inhabitants, including her lizard-like friend. What caught me, again and again, were the descriptions of those characters: fox-like vendor, warty toad-like aristocrat, toad-like bodyguards, crow-like patron, bear-like patron. Gabby is the only one that didn’t get the -like treatment because you instead gave us parts of Gabby that were not human. She has a scaly muzzle, a long tail, someone else calls her a lizard. I don’t have advice here, just an observation that the spell was broken for me each time I read the animal-like parts. This is where film is so much easier. Even Mr. Lucas only wrote “The murky, moldy den is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the long metallic bar. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed creatures huddle over drinks.” Yet I bet each of us are seeing the way that was shot and those characters are in our heads right now. Its just to say what you are doing in this chapter is tough to pull off and I think you have a good start. My suggestion is to find a way to describe these fantastical characters without relying upon the -like method as much as you can, something more like what you did with Gabby.

I hope you share more @David_Serra and thank you for sharing with the community. It is a brave thing to put your words out there…

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Have you herd about Ukraine at the moment and also thay have done a cotsert for the Ukrainians I just putting the ward out that’s all

And we do something for them