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Have a bit of your manuscript you’re particularly proud of? Want to brag a bit about your main character. Here’s a good place to do it.

I’ll start off with a Chapter Epigraph that gives the intro to the world I built for Ouma’s Will, my 2018 NaNovel:


Auwel’s Beck (var. Owls Beck, Owlspeck ):

Population: Unknown . Province: Disputed . Altitude: Disputed .

Noted citizens of and celebrities from Auwel’s Beck: None .

The community of Auwel’s Beck is an enclave on the oft-disputed border between the Indorricut and Felberg provinces, in a pocket of land claimed by both and neither at different times in history. Until fairly recently, mail for the remote mountain valley was delivered as needed by mule or pony cart, but after a series of presumed bandit attacks on postal deliveries with subsequent loss of the few men willing to undertake the scant mail service required, service was suspended just before the end of the last century.

Last official census: Incomplete . Three consecutive censuses went unreported when census takers vanished in the mountains, after which Auwel’s Beck was removed from the census list. The population is believed to be small.

Last official survey: Incomplete ; earlier surveys set the location of the valley and its entry road variously in one of two adjacent counties, close to the border between them. See Indorricut/Felberg Border Dispute .

Access to the valley in which the community is situated is reportedly still by a single unpaved road, impassible in winter.

The community was reported settled about 480 years ago by an extended family clan or tribe headed by its patriarch Ompa Paul (or perhaps Ompa Pol) Auwel, after a series of expulsions from other communities moved the clan persistently closer to the western frontier.

See also Lost Towns; Felberg Witch Trials (Omma Lynn Auwel); Amslette Sorcery Wars (Auwel) ; and Case Law: Paternity and Inheritance (Auwel Exemption) .

Gazette Encyclopedia, Ninth Edition (unexpurgated)

For NaNoWriMo’2018, I wrote a silly, fun-only fairy tale. It’s not completed yet (after hitting 50k words, I just didn’t continue :smiley: ), but during the “Now What?” months (Jan/Feb) encouraged by NaNo, I want to give it a first read through and complete the final part. I had a lot of fun sharing parts of it (it involves :frog: frog recipes) during word sprints on twitter with the NaNo community.

Google translate isn’t the best tool for sharing my non-English writing … one annoying problem are repetitions:
screenshot_language01
but most problematic is the wrong choice of words in the translation that don’t fit the context.
This said, it’s still the best way to give a quick insight into my writing, so I use it anyway :smiley: and I am trying to improve the direct result of google.

A scene from The Guardian Witch – a very hairy fairy tale:

The old wooden door opened with a creak. A beam of light penetrated the dark room glaringly. They had stirred up dust that was doing its best in the spotlight of the day to spin pretty figures as it slowly sank back onto the floor. The wooden floor squeaked as Matthias took a cautious step and looked around. SoSaNa felt the human heart beat faster. The imp sat, as usual, beside his neck, pressing to his side in alarm. There were several hat stands scattered around the room, where other stores might have preferred cabinets to showcase their wares. At first, SoSaNa thought he saw long coats hanging there. Curtains in front of the windows prevented the light from entering, but as Matthias opened the door further, SoSaNa could better perceive the objects in the room. The imp buried itself frightfully in Matthias’ shoulder. There were no curtains in front of the windows and no coats on the hat stands. On all the walls, from the coat stands and from the woodwork of the ceiling hung, densly packed, sleeping beasts. They came in many bright colors. Their long fur fell from the ceiling, some were wavy, some curled, and some smooth. Were they giant, hairy bats? SoSaNa was just about to whisper in Matthias’ ear when the water in his clay veins froze.
“Buga buga buh!”
One of the hairy monsters attacked them. It had lurked behind the short sales counter and jumped right up to them. It was smaller than Matthias, but fast on its feet. Cheeky blue eyes flashed out from under a smooth curtain of silky black hair. Its lower body was covered with colored fur. Like a skirt, hair of various ripples of browns and yellows swirled around the monster’s hips. Matthias let out a small cry and jumped to the side, startled. The monster had risen on its hind legs and threw its arms up over its head, its claws ready to pounce on them. SoSaNa prayed that the other monsters did not wake up. Maybe they could manage to run away? Matthias snorted. He laughed so loud and with relish that the monster also started to laugh.
“Run, Matt! Come on, let’s go!“, SoSaNa advised, unusually quiet for an imp. He watched the other monsters still hanging asleep in their places.
“You look ridiculous!”
The monster went to one of the windows and pushed its sleeping buddies aside.
“Where have you been so long? I was worried about you.“
An unexpectedly gentle (and human) tone came from the monster.
“Matt! Quickly! Away from here! It wakes up the others!“
SoSaNa shivered all over. Matthias looked puzzled at the small imp. Then he laughed on.
“You poor fellow. May I introduce,“ he took SoSaNa from his shoulder and put the imp on his left palm. Then he presented the helpless imp to the monster as on a silver platter.
Great!, thought the imp. A fine friend, this man!
“This is my big sister, Lana.”
The monster waved to him and turned to the next window. Gradually, the room filled with natural light and everything looked a little less threatening.
“This is a trick!”, SoSaNa shouted, “The monster has eaten your sister!”
Matthias laughed again.
“My dear, this is SoSaNa. He likes to play tricks on other people, but when it hits him, he does not seem to enjoy it.“
The behemoth looked curiously at the imp, who could escape from Matthias’ hand only with a death-defying leap. It eyed the distance to the ground. The wood looked stable. Sturdier than itself.
“Oh, that’s cute! Do not be scared, Litte One,“ the monster said, taking off its head. Then it got out of its hairy dress leaving a petite person who did not look dangerous at all. She looked similar to Matthias, eye and hair color, and even the warm smile were familiar to the imp.
“I’m glad to meet you, SoSaNa. I’m Lana and I like hair. And you?”
SoSaNa remained silent, trapped between pouting insults and ignited curiosity. The imp watched Lana spreading the various hairpieces she had just worn like a second skin to the walls and hat stands. Surely, there was some system that SoSaNa did not immediately spot. He was astonished that this little person (and ever more likely a human being) was even forced to climb on a footbed to hang one of the hairy things onto the ceiling. The young woman wore her brown hair in a braid plaited around her head. That looked cheeky and that pleased SoSaNa. He could not help liking this person. Had she actually hung the windows, disguised herself and then sat behind the counter, waiting for them to enter? The imp could not imagine doing so much for a prank. Its dull eyes were moist.
What a great witch!, the imp thought.

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Hi Guys! Here’s what i’ve been working on for the last few years. I think i’m finally happy with it! It’s 32 chapters approx 70k for word count. I’m hoping to have it fully edited by the summer!

Maji Born - Chapter One -The Wrong Steps - 2894 words
Devarak pressed into the slab wall, watching the flickering torchlight withdraw down the elongated corridor. It vanished from sight, blinking out as it rounded the next bend. He allowed himself a moment to breathe, before he peeled away from the wall and advanced up the hallway, to continue his premeditated path.

He met few obstacles, which did nothing to quell the feeling of anxiety that had begun to grow inside him. The castle was unaffected by his presence. His task was considerable and more complex than any he had previously undertaken.

Devarak took in the visage of the double doors that guarded the throne room. He stood in suspense, stealing himself to proceed. Hesitantly, he approached the doors and pressed his ear against the cold oak.

There was no noise from within the room beyond. That had to be a good sign. Devarak glanced down at the slight gap between the door and floor. No light crept through.

He depressed the handle, and opened one of the doors a hair, praying that it was well oiled.

A muffled squeal emitted from the hinges. It was better than he could have hoped for. He doubted it would be enough to draw the patrol’s attention. He opened it a fraction more and slipped through, shutting it securely behind him.

Upon entering the chamber, Devarak had to pause, letting his eyes adjust to the change in lighting.

At the far end, three large windows let in soft moonlight, and by the angle of the lemony glow, Devarak could tell that it was nearing midnight.

Better get a move on.

The castle would be rising in a few hours, preparing for the anticipated festivities and Devarak wanted to be clear of the capital before that time.

He surveyed the room, his eyes catching every detail in the shadowed stonework, every small illustration in the stained glass window panes.

After inspection, his gaze fell on the large auspicious throne at the top of the dais. He strode toward it, taking the shallow steps two at a time. Devarak paused momentarily to inspect the throne itself, recognizing the small gems embedded in the arms and back as Albrit and Selwin, a dangerous combination.

He ran a finger over the golden arm of the seat, letting it skirt over the gemstones and for a moment his attention drifted, “This is yours, never forget it.” He pulled away from the cold metal and grasped for the small pendant he wore. He held onto his shard of Albrit, it was the only thing he had kept when he had fled.

Devarak recoiled from the throne, a flicker of pain escaping his amber eyes. He pushed the feeling away, focusing his attention instead on the wall beyond.

A generous case was mounted at eye level, floating several feet up the wall. Devarak stepped toward it, giving the throne a wide berth as he did so. When he reached the case he ran his hand along the smooth fir frame seeking a hidden locking mechanism.

As his finger searched so did his eyes, connecting each item within the case with the information he had received.

Hanging against the back of the case was a modest compass composed of polished silver, adorned with two mirrored ravens, a gift to Midais from Zedar. Cushioned on a small silk pillow was a set of emerald drop earrings, they were simple in design, but Devarak’s keen eyes made out the small sigil etched into the stones themselves, a swirling sun, from Tupre.

Lying at the bottom of the case was the long curved scimitar, it was thin as paper but by the looks of it extremely sharp which had been gifted to Midais by Diok at the end of the Brisark War. Devarak had studied all three items during his preparations for his mission, reading about them was one thing, seeing them was another. He felt drawn toward them, which made sense since each contained strong Majik.

Devarak drew his gaze away, though they were items that held both powerful meaning and ability, he wasn’t here for them.

His eyes found his prize. A large stone sat at the base of the case on a purple silk cushion. It was about the size of his fist and a molten light swirled just under the surface, playfully reflecting off the glass of the case.

To Devarak it seemed alive. Almost as if it sensed his presence, it began to pulse slightly as he watched it and he felt the urge to reach out and pick it up. For a moment he stood transfixed, gazing through the glass at the stone’s golden interior, which continued to swim against its constraints with vigor. Devarak tore himself away. He didn’t have much time and he needed to focus on finding the locking mechanism before the guards returned.

His finger caressed the exterior of the case, searching for a slight raise, depression, or seam in the design. This took him several minutes but eventually, his fingers detected a faint seam and Devarak was able to follow it along the base, pausing as he reached the center of the case.

All logic would suggest the presence of a keyhole at the center, but this case had clearly been created with the intention of remaining firmly shut and, therefore, its creator had made the mechanism more complex and harder to distinguish.

CLUNK!

Devarak recoiled from the case and spun around as the door began to open and torchlight spilled into the throne room. He cursed inwardly and ducked behind the expansive throne, praying that his long limbs were fully concealed. He pressed against the frigid back of the chair and held his breath.

There was another clunk as the door shut once more and the torchlight echoed against the walls, ricocheting up the hall.

Devarak could make out the guard’s footfall, which sounded leisurely, both a blessing and a curse. It meant that he was not aware of an intruder, but also indicated that the guard would be in no hurry to leave. He slowly made his way around the room, humming a drinking song in an off-key pitch as he did so.

“Annd so she sang a little jig. Give me whiskey, give me gin…”

Light flickered over the throne, illuminated the case briefly before dissipating as the man made his way back out of the room.

“I’ll dance and sing till my knees give out. Slip me Sintre for some spirits and I’ll dance the whole night through…”

Devarak waited a few minutes, listening intently, trying not to wince as the man’s voice cracked on the last note. When the door slammed shut he rose and rushed back to the case.

In the brief moment that the light had landed on the case, Devarak had spotted the locking mechanism. On the front at the right-hand side was a small diamond shaped notch. At first inspection, it resembled a nick in the wood, a mere imperfection. But as Devarak looked closer at it he became aware that when compressed it would reveal a tiny keyhole.

Without the light, even his exceptional eyes and keen fingers would have missed it. From within his small toolkit, Devarak withdrew a small set of picks. He took a knee and began working the lock. Concentrating hard, one ear pressed against the wood, listening for the click. He rotated his tools searching avidly for the sweet spot.

After what felt like much longer than necessary for such a basic the lock there was a small click and the case seal relaxed.

“Hah,” Devarak, released his success audibly.

He stood, stored his tools, and carefully pried the case open. Devarak withdrew a thick leather pouch from his tool belt. He knew better than to touch something with such energy, and now that the case was open, the pull of the stone had intensified, drawing him in with undulating energy.

The Ardor Stone hummed calling to him and causing his heartbeat to quicken. It compelled him to reach out for it, and momentarily Devarak had the thought to listen. Then he shook this notion off and carefully maneuvered the small leather bag around the stone. He nudged it inside, all the while making sure his fingers only touched the leather. He drew the strings closed and tied the pouch onto his belt, looping it several times.

Once Devarak was satisfied that it was securely fastened, he stood back and lowered the lid of the case. It had risen easily and without noise, gliding as if assisted, its descent was not so smooth.

In his excitement Devarak had lowered the front a bit faster than necessary and as it fell it released a rather urgent squeal and banged into its partner with an echo that reverberated through the chamber.

Devarak swore under his breath and glanced around the room. Maybe no one had heard it fall? He quickly slid into the shadows as a precaution. If he needed to make a quick escape the darkness would grant him a moment’s lead. He followed the wall, his attention focused on listening for the guards. Just as he began to wonder if the noise had gone unnoticed he heard the sound of urgent voices outside the hall.

“Did you hear that?”

“I did. It wasn’t you was it?”

“Not me. Thought you might have nodded off.”

“No nothing like that.” The second voice said, sounding indignant at the accusation. They were getting closer.

“Well, we both heard it. It could a cat?”

“Not likely, you know how the Queen feels about them.”

There was a small click and then the door creaked opened.

Devarak scanned the room, calculating the likelihood of cover. He was too far from the dais to return and the evenly spaced marble pillars were not wide enough to hide him from the torchlight.

Devarak sped through the shadows, stopping only when he reached the corner closest to the doors. With any luck he could hold his position long enough for the guards to pass him. Then he could slip passed past undetected. He reached the corner just as torchlight bloomed in the doorway, followed by two well-armored guards.

They split up patrolling in parallel down the length of the hall. They had forgotten to shut the door behind them. One of the guards was making his way toward Devarak’s corner. His torchlight was just inches from Devarak’s boots and he knew that if the guard moved any closer he would become distinguishable.

Devarak’s eyesight was spotty as it adjusted to the light of the torch. They were extremely effective under cover of darkness but reacted slowly to abrupt transitions of light.

He would have to make a break for it regardless of his erratic vision. If he could get out of the room he would be able to withdraw by his predetermined route.

Mind made up, Devarak raced for the door, knocking the torch from the guard’s hand as he did. It fell to the floor with a loud clatter, igniting the carpet on impact.

“OH SHIT! The carpets on fire!” The guard shout to his companion, panicking as he tried to stamp out the flames. Devarak took his moment of panic to swing past him and through the narrow opening between the two doors.

“He’s getting away! Oritus get him, I’ll deal with this,” came the muffled shouts of the first guard. Devarak sprinted around the first corner, trying to remember the directions for exiting the castle.

His initial plan had included moving at a much slower pace. He chided himself internally, reminding himself that counting on luck was poor planning. He knew better and made a note to plan contingencies for the next time…If there was to be a next time.

The second guard, Oritus, was catching up. Even with his heavy armour, he was now only a few paces behind Devarak.

Devarak was still running half blind, and just barely managed to maneuver around a large column. His vision was slowly returning. Thank Azuthe. This was great timing as he had just noticed the folded corner of the area rug ahead and easily passed over it.

He risked a glance over his shoulder, the guard was still following, but was panting hard now and stumbled as he reached the rug.

Devarak reassessed his path, his exit was still a floor below and all the halls looked the same. The guard had resources on his side that Devarak lacked.

He yelled loudly, waking the sleepers, and summoning his fellow guards to his position.

“Intruder! Second Floor!”

Devarak rounded the next corner How far into the castle was he? He knew he needed to head down toward the front entrance, he would have favoured leaving through a servant hall but at this point, he doubted he could locate one.

There was a shout as he entered the next hall. Devarak swore under his breath, as another guard came toward him. This one was older, with a grizzled, close-cropped beard. He brandished a short sword at the thief, his grip steady and his grey eyes clear and intent.

“Stop right there boy.” His voice was stern, Devarak felt its effect and for a moment it stopped him in his tracks. The statement pulled anxiously at his memory, The steel of a sword being drawn from its sheath and a familiar shout, “Stop right there. You know I can’t let you leave.”

Devarak spun on his heel, retracing his steps, he would find another exit.

“You’ve nowhere to run boy, this castles been locked down.” the guard drawled, his voice was deeper than the one in his memory.

There was something unsettling in the man’s calm, indifferent tone. Devarak pushed on, feeling a slight chill creep up his spine as he did so. He didn’t bother to glance behind him as he retreated up the hall. He could hear the sound of the man’s armour clinking behind him.

Another shout came from ahead and then three more guards rounded the corner. Devarak stopped and glanced behind him, two more now joined the older guard who had addressed him previously. With a nod from the older guard, who seemed to be in charge, the two flanking guards drew their swords and pointed them at Devarak.

Devarak’s eyes darted frantically from wall to wall searching for a gap in their defences, a hint of an escape route.

The hallway they’d cornered him in had windows along it, all latched shut. He would never make it out and even if he could unlatch one in time, the fall would kill him or at least injure him beyond escape. The guards were spaced out, three behind him and three ahead of him. Devarak cursed under his breath. They closed in toward him, backing him into the cool stone wall. Devarak raised his hands, keeping his glare on the old man.

“What did I tell you, boy?” The man growled. He stepped forward and placed his sword against Devarak’s throat. “Now, answer this, what are you doing skulking around the throne room? You don’t look like a servant.”

The man appraised Devarak’s trousers, which were several inches short, his dark tunic which was thinning, and finally focused his gaze on Devarak’s face.

“And a Kayasdart eh?”

Devarak continued to gaze unblinkingly at the man but did not respond to his query. The man didn’t seem to expect a response, however.

“Well, you know how this ends.” With a sigh, the older man turned to the guards on his left and right, “take him to the dungeons. We’ll deal with him in the morning. We will inform the King of this incident at that time there’s no reason to wake him.”

Two of the guards stowed their swords and each grabbed Devarak by an arm. They were shorter than Devarak by a whole foot, but also built more solidly, even with the heavy plate armour, Devarak could make out the thick sinewy neck of the guard on his left.

“No need to be rough. I’ll submit.” Devarak said as the other guard pushed him aggressively toward the wall. They hadn’t noticed the stone, but it was only a matter of time. If he went quietly there was still a chance he could shirk his guard before they reached the dungeon. One of the guards was clasping his wrists into manacles now. Which was not wholly unexpected, but they would definitely prove problematic.

Then they each took an arm once more and began leading him down the hall passed their commander. Their eyes met as Devarak was pulled past. Grey clashing with gold. The commander held it unflinchingly, then he glanced down at Devarak’s waist.

“Wait.”

They had passed him. The commander took a step forward, and pointed down at Devarak’s waist, “What is inside that pouch boy?”

Devarak didn’t respond, electing instead to stare down the deserted hall ahead. This was it. He wasn’t going to be able to get out of this unscathed. One of the guards hastily removed the pouch from Devarak’s belt and dropped it into his commander outstretched hand.

As the commander began loosening the drawstring, he paused, his features darkening. He glanced up at Devarak and then back at the Stone.

“Wake the King.”

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Hi everybody, I wanted to share a piece of my WIP called The Babylon Gate.

The Blind Beggar Bar was one of the oldest taverns in Weston. It was at least a century old, but nobody could put their finger on an exact date that the establishment opened. It was one of those places that defied time and fashion. It was there before any of us were born, and sure as hell long before Contact Day.

The bar was my second favorite place in the world. Aside from my ship, The Beagle, The Beggar was my office of sorts, a place that I could go to meet potential clients and also keep in touch with the other less than savory galactic travelers.

I was sitting in my usual spot, the booth in the back-right corner, when a lady with deep auburn hair walked in and without looking around, made a beeline straight for my booth. She was like someone out of a Raymond Chandler novel, statuesque and chiseled from stuff of stories and tall tales. She had that look about her that told me that this was no social call.

I perked up a little, brushing the crumbs off my shirt from the stale sandwich I had just finished and watched the woman not so much as walk as stalk straight toward my booth.

She approached the table and looked me right in the eye, pleasantries be damned. “May I?” Her husky voice washed over me like hot butter over a stack of piping hot pancakes.

I attempted to half-stand and managed to bang the tops of my thighs against the table. I grimaced as she waved me off and took the seat across. I rubbed my legs and sucked air through my nose to try to regain my composure.

“Mr. Bartlebee, I presume?” She said.

“At your service, ma’am.” I replied through gritted teeth.

“I have a job for you.”

I looked around the Beggar trying to spot anything unusual. In my line of work you don’t take chances with either of my two ulcer creators-–the Federation Guard and the slimy mobster Petey Slim. Two different sides of the law, and I hated them equally.

I liked to think of the work I did on the morality scale as being like a white lie. Not legal, but not malicious either. I helped people out with situations and provided people with goods and services that might be hard to obtain or frowned upon in certain quadrants of the galaxy.

I also moved things. The Beagle had state of the art internal cloaking–something my buddy Walter rigged up that allowed us to move things across the StarWay without the bothersome idea of customs, and with it taxes and the buzzkill of property rights and all that nonsense.

I wondered which of the custom services I offered had reached her. My reputation surprised even me sometimes.

“How may I be of service to you?” I offered, finally getting the feeling back in my legs.

She reached into a bag and pulled out a sheet of paper. “I need this delivered to Kaahl, in the Serius System.”

I hesitated to take the paper, trying to eye its contents before accepting it. You can never be too careful when it comes to poisoners or process servers.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Bartlebee. It’s just a poem.”

Thoroughly confused, I let out a nervous laugh. “I don’t get it. Am I on one of those old candid camera shows?”

She sat straight faced and still held the paper out. “I assure you that my interest in your services is completely above board and I am prepared to pay your standard fee, with a bonus for your discretion.”

“A poem, you say?”

“Indeed. I will give you instructions on who to deliver it to and the protocols for verifying the source of this document along with payment for your services. If all goes well, there are five more pieces that I will need you to repeat the process with.”

“Let me get this straight. You want me to deliver a single sheet of paper. To Kaahl. And then verify the veracity of the document and just hand it over. Then we repeat five more times?” I said counting fingers as I repeated back the plan.

A slight smile played across her face, causing her dark green eyes to squint at the corners. “You have it down. Not that difficult, eh?”

“Well ma’am–I didn’t catch your name–my fee is the same no matter the bulk of the cargo.”

“Call me Joan.” She replied coolly.

“Joan.” I said with a touch of sarcasm, “like I said, the fee’s the same.”

“Price is of no concern to me. Your reputation is that of a man of discretion. Confidence has an innate value that cannot be measured monetarily.”

“And yet we will put a price on it. Fifteen thousand credits. You pay, I deliver. If you’re happy with my services, we will repeat the steps five more times. Of course, I will alter my route and timing for the next five so that we don’t raise suspicions.”

“You have a deal. Let’s make it eighteen thousand credits, though. I promised a bonus for discretion.”

I chuckled, “You drive a hard bargain, but okay.”

She extended her hand and I took it in mine. She had a firm handshake, the kind my grandfather told me was the only acceptable way to judge a person’s character.

She folded the sheet of paper, taking care to make good, sharp creases. She reached in her bag and took out a small candle and a signet. She lit the candle with a match from an old matchbook, let the candle burn for a few seconds and dripped blood red wax on the folded paper. She pressed the signet into the molten wax and removed it, leaving an embossed M on the now sealed paper.

I looked at her quizzically. I wasn’t sure if I had ever seen this bizarre ritual before. I remember candles, though it had been a long time since we had to use them. Since Contact Day, and the subsequent ubiquity of free zero-point energy, things like power outages were no longer in our collective consciousness. Therefore, we didn’t collect things like candles anymore. But as a lover of old fantasy novels, the wax seal and signet was a concept I was very familiar with.

“Say, why the paper? If you want to send a poem to someone, why not email or instant message?”

She eyed me and that same smile hit her face again. “Sometimes it’s the poem itself, the rhythm of the words that is special. Sometimes it is the meaning behind the words, a metaphorical puzzle to be solved. Sometimes the paper itself is not only the vehicle, but the destination as well. In this case, this delivery is all the above. Take extra care, Mr. Bartlebee.”

I took the paper from her hand and gently placed it on the table in front of me. “So, Joan, when I finish this run how do we move forward with the next one?”

She moved the slender bracelet on her left wrist up her forearm a couple of inches until it fit tightly against her toned arm and no longer dangled. She tapped it twice and a holographic screen appeared extending up her forearm. She flipped through a couple of screens then motioned for my wrist comm. “I will know when this piece is delivered. I will meet you back here after you have returned. Wait for me and I will deliver the next one.”

“Just wait for you? For how long? What about my other customers? I can’t turn down more work while I just sit around waiting for you.”

“Your hand.” She instructed.

I reached out my arm and she tapped the screen on my wrist comm. I felt the vibration and pulled it back. You have received thirty-five thousand credits.

I looked at her slack jawed. “Looks like I will await our next meeting.”

“Mr. Bartlebee, it is a pleasure doing business with you.”

I carefully stood up, this time taking extra precautions to keep my appendages intact. “Zeke. Call me Zeke. I hope to leave you satisfied with my service and discretion.”

“I’m counting on it, Zeke.”

We shook hands one last time and she turned and strolled out of the Beggar with the same sense of purpose that she came in with. I sat back down in the booth and pondered my new good fortune.

I felt Libbie’s presence to my right and watched her take the seat across from me. “I scanned her.”

I looked up from my wrist comm and held the faint periwinkle color of her eyes. Her pale blue skin was even more radiant in the low light of the Beggar than normal. “What did you think?” I said.

“I don’t know. She was earnest, that’s for sure. I didn’t detect deceit. Whatever she is playing at, there doesn’t seem to be any subterfuge. Now as to the legitimacy of her endeavor–”

“Not our concern.” I held up a hand. “What she does with her property is her business. We only deliver.”

Libbie rubbed her right temple in a small circle. “Need a drink?” I offered.

“No, I probed her pretty hard. I just need to close my eyes for a minute.”

Libbie was Jangelli, hence the blue skin and telepathic powers. But more than the superhero skillset and enchanting good looks, she was the most brutal weapons expert I had ever met, and the conscience of our little operation.

“What does your gut say?” I asked her.

“That we should be careful with this one.” She replied.

“Always. Let me order you a drink. God knows we can afford it now.” I smiled at her.

“Fine, I won’t argue with you.”

I ordered a round for the two of us and we settled into our chairs allowing for the liquid to wash over us. I felt my muscles relax as the familiar glow descended upon me.

“Have you thought about customs?” Libbie asked.

“Never.”

“Will it look suspicious that we take off from Weston, land on Kaahl, then come back to Weston empty handed? I mean, we normally have something to declare one way or the other.”

“I think I can handle that. I’ve been carrying this card for a while.” I reached in my shirt pocket and fished out a tattered piece of card stock. Not easy to come by those days, the card stock was a hold over from a world gone by.

“You know Roger Sutherland?” I asked.

Libbie slowly lowered her drink. “What did you do?”

“Nothing yet. I ran into Sutherland a couple of weeks ago at port. He gave me his card and said if I ever wanted to pick up a side gig that he always had something for me.

“You know what kind of guy he is.”

“Libbie, what is it exactly that you think we do?”

“Just be careful, whatever you do. This Joan person might be more that we bargained for in the end. Let’s not go borrowing trouble.”

“Noted.”

Libbie’s comm buzzed. She scrolled through a message. “Looks like random inspections on both incoming and outgoing shipments have been going on.”

“A message from your admirer?” I quipped.

“You know Clyde looks out for me.”

I smirked, “Yeah, he looks out for you alright. And looks at you in general.”

“He know he’s mesmerized by my blue-girl beauty,” she said.

“As long as he keeps feeding you insider info from the port, he can admire all he wants,” I replied. Libbie gave me a dirty look and I let it pass.

“Don’t worry, he’ll make sure we don’t get randomly picked,” she said making air quotes. “He just needs a little sweet talking. But just in case, we don’t have anything aboard that could be a problem right now, right?”

I tucked the paper from Joan in my jacket. “Not yet.”

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Zeke Bartlebee is such a great name for a protagonist. I’m partial to stories told in the first person like this! Fun read so far.

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Nice narrative flow. A few graphs coulb be combined and the use of the pronoun “he”, which combining graphs would facilitate. I don’t read this type of work, but it’s good writing. Good luck with your editor.

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Hi guys this is the first book I’m attempting. I have always wanted to be an author but I have had a very hard time finding anyone willing to read it or give me feedback. I have writers block and I am currently stuck I would greatly appreciate any feedback.

6 Stars Of Japan In Another World

This is a story about six people from different areas and backgrounds, coming together to have an adventure of a lifetime. They are 6 strangers thrown together by fate, and death. Will they overcome everything, and be able to overcome fate?? These 6 stars of Japan in another world of magic and adventure. Will they ever get over the fact that they are no longer human.

Author bio:
I am 25 years old. I have always wanted to be an author. I love writing stories and poems. I like to read manga and fantasy novels.

6 stars of Japan in another world

Chapter 1

That day started like any other. 6 unsuspecting people are thrown into the whirlwind of Life, fate, and adventure. Modern Japan on Saturday at 10 a.m. Emiko Itsumi, 24, is practicing her sword skills with her master in his dojo. She has been under his teaching since she was 2. She is humble even though she is a master champion/Swordsman. She likes sweet foods, beef Ramen and shrimp tempura. After a few hours of practice, she cleans up the dojo, and uses the shower. She decided to head to the supermarket to buy some lunch. Daisuke Eijirono 25, is a typical office worker, and he works all the time. He is currently working for a travel agency in the Osaka region. He is single, handsome, and very cool. He decided to go for a walk as it was his much-needed day off. He likes spicy food and decides to relax. Amane Hikari 22 is starting her day running from her manager. She is an idol in a group called Shimmer. She is childish, and immature at times. She likes to play pranks on her manager and fellow group members. She acts silly but is very caring and considerate. She loves animals, reading manga, and being daring.She is headed to the amusement park. Gentaro Hideyoshi is a priest. He starts his morning with prayers and chores. He isn’t sure he wants to be a priest, but for now, he stays in the family business. He likes singing and is very calm and mature. He is gentle with people and animals. He’s tall for his age and well-built. He can cook very well. He doesn’t like sweet food. His favorite is Sushi and he is currently headed to the river to meditate. Chisato Chikako 20 is a student at K University. She’s diligent and very hard-working. She got a scholarship that she worked very hard for. She comes from a single-parent household. Her mom works a lot and so Chisato does housework and cooks to help her mom. She has always loved bows and arrows. She is ranked first in the world in accuracy and speed. They are her passion besides subjects of ancient samurais and ninjas. She is currently headed to practice her skills and hone her line of sight. Hirohisa Akinobusa 21 is a young artist who loves to draw and paint. He is currently enrolled at a prestigious art college. He also works part-time at a local grocery store. He loves to eat melon bread and listen to music. He spends most of the time in his house painting or sketching. He is aloof from new people and slow to trust but at the end very loyal to family and friends. He is currently headed out to buy some more art supplies. At this point, all of them are out walking toward different destinations unaware that this would be the last time that they walk in this world. At this moment 6 animals were falling from the sky. a puff adder, a Beagle, Tamworth, a Bengal, tuna, and a box turtle. Though these animals seem from our world, they were not as they seemed. Emiko was hit by the box turtle and died. Amane was hit by the tuna and died. Chisato was hit by the Bengal cat and died. Daisuke was hit by the puff adder snake and died. Gentaro was hit by the Tamworth Pig and died. Hirohisa was hit by the beagle dog and died. They all died instantly and at the very same time. From there they all appear at a shrine on a bed of clouds, next to a see-through Clear Blue Lake. They look at each other in confusion. None of them realize they were dead, as they all question each other a very beautiful woman comes out from the shine. They all stop and stare in awe. Her name is Amaterasu, and she shines with a golden aura filled with warmth. She tells them she is a goddess of the universe. They are all dead and for their sudden death, she apologizes. They were hit by her fellow gods in their earth forms who were acting up and got kicked for fighting, and for this, she is truly sorry. Since they died in such a manner, they have the option to reincarnate into another world. A world full of magic monsters, and many other wonders. She lets them know that they will be separated, and they will have to find each other in this new world. There is a task that needs to be completed.They all figure a second chance at life is better than nothing. Though they can’t seem to get over how they died, it’s still better than staying dead. Since Emiko is good with a sword she is blessed with a sword that never breaks or needs sharpening. Amane is blessed with a duo dragon claw crescent knives. Chisato is given a bow and arrow that never misses, and she is blessed to see far like a dragon. Daisuke is given a kubikiribocho. Gentaro is given a katana that can cut through the thickest and hardest of metals with ease. Hirohisa is given a naginata, whose blade can become surrounded with fire on command. They are all given talent with magic, magical storage and sent to reincarnate into different countries in the world. As the goddess watches their souls and guides them she gifts them with knowledge of their new world. They are allowed to keep their memories of her and what happened. Emiko and Daisuke are sent west. Amane and Gentaro are sent east. Chisato is sent north, and Hirohisa is sent south. They are all being born at the same time, and are in for the surprise of their lives. Emiko is born to soldiers.
Chapter 2

Daisuke’s parents are the were-beast king and queen. Amane’s parents are farmers in the dragon kingdom. Gentaro’s parents are high elves related to the current elf king and queen, residing in a huge city. Chisato’s parents are the demon king and queen. Hirohisa’s parents are adventurers in the dragon kingdom, they secretly fill in for the king and queen sometimes. As the six all opened their eyes for the first time in their new world, two things startled them. One they were babies, and two of their parents were not human at all and neither were they. Some were in a position of power some weren’t.

Emiko: When I opened my eyes and looked around, I immediately realized that I am a baby. I am surprised that we are to start off as newborns, but oh well. My new family consists of my eldest brother Haruto Mantaro(6), my middle brother ReoHinata Mantaro(3), my father Hideki Mantaro(30), and my mother Ayano Aoi(28). My name is now Hikari Aoi, and I am the long-awaited girl they wanted. I am currently laying in the crib looking at my surroundings. I am still struggling with the fact that my parents are demons and demon generals at that. In any manga you read demons are bad, but my parents don’t seem to be bad people at all. They are ridiculously lovey-dovey, and it’s weird to watch. My family is all gathered around me and I can tell that I got lucky with this family. My brothers are fighting over who gets to hold me and feed me first. Apparently, m y mother is very gifted with potions and even the potions she makes heal like high-grade potions. She is often sought for her advice and potions. My parents are well respected and loved. My brother Haruto is very intelligent and is learning swordsmanship from my father. My brothers hardly leave my side and are constantly fighting over me. I can hardly get a moment’s peace to think but, I guess it’s better than being bored. I am trying to come up with a game plan to become strong and be able to find my fellow reincarnated. I can only hope that they also will do their best.

Daisuke: So I open my eyes, and I’m in a room that looks like one you would see in a castle. Next thing I know a king comes into the room. He heads toward me and looks at me with a goofy grin. I am assuming that he is my father, and sure enough when he walks toward the bed and hands me to my mother. My suspicion is confirmed, and then I realize in my mind that they don’t quite look human. So my parents are the were-beast king and queen. They are werewolves, and I am their 4th child. I have 3 older brothers, Daichi(12), Akihiro(8), Azuma(4), and Atsuhiko(0) is me apparently. My father’s name is Mori Ranmaru while my mother’s name is Akari Ranmaru. So apparently my parents can communicate through telepathy. They are known as fair and just rulers, beloved by the people. I am happy to be a werewolf. It’s awesome. I’m going to have fun in this life.

Amane: I open my eyes to see people with wings and colored skin looking at me. They are wearing simple clothes. The woman picks me up and coos at me and compliments my beauty. I realize that these are my parents and I am so happy. I have wings, and I try to make them move but they aren’t strong enough to carry me yet. I have no siblings and my parents are farmers. My mom’s name is Niko Nobutadana, and my father is Oda Nobutadana. I love it so far and am really grateful. My mother is an excellent cook, and after my father is done tending to the fields. They eat dinner and mom feeds me from her bosom. As soon as it’s finished and she has burped me, we all go flying. As I can’t fly yet, mother carries me in her arms and the sight is amazing. My new name is Ichika, and my parents retired from being soldiers. They really care for me and each other. My father teaches swordsmanship to the boys in the village a few days a week. Where we live is close to the border of the were-beast kingdom. I can’t wait until I can fly on my own.

Chapter 3

Gentaro: I am laying in this huge leaf with soft fluff at the bottom of it, floating around a lake. There is a very beautiful elf woman sitting nearby. She grabs the leaf stem as a start to float far away and brings me close to her. She picks me up and lays me on her legs so that only my lower body is in the water. She is calling me Bhyrindaar, and I am her son. My father is not far from us and is guarding my mother and me during this vulnerable time. He sits by a tree looking calm, at me and mother. Not long after we head home, and as we walk back this wonderful shining palace comes into view. My mother is apparently the queen sister, and a high elf on the council and so is my father. My mother is called Arwen, and my father is called Baelen. My uncle’s name is Beldroth, my aunt’s name is Belanor, and my cousin who is also just born, her name is Baerithryn. My mother and her sister are very close and overjoyed to find out they were with a child at the same time. They are trying to make the country a good place for their people to live peacefully. They organize a meeting with the other monarchs regularly. I can’t seem to get over how beautiful my mom is, and that I was reborn an elf. I want to try to make the best out of it, and wonder how it will go when my mom finds out I will have to leave one day. Hopefully, they have more children before then, and my cousin is always around. We will be growing up and be close according to my aunt and mother. I hope the others are satisfied with their lives.
Chisato: I am totally freaking out and I can’t help but fear for my life. There is a man and a woman standing over my bed with horns and wings. Demons and I swear they are going to kill me or kidnap me. A few minutes pass by and they are staring at me and watching me panic. The woman picks me up and rocks me. I am confused, why is she trying to comfort me. It hits me that she is my mother and guilt washes over me. I didn’t realize how different it would be from the one I’m used to. I should know better than to assume the worst. My new name is Emiko Ryoma. My mother’s name is Kanna Ryoma, and my father is Minato Ryoma. They are the demon king and queen, and we look similar to the dragon race. There is a difference in our wings’ skin and horns, but we look similar enough. We specialize in aerial attacks and magic. The royal family has always been exceptionally talented so when I show my gifts I shouldn’t stand out so much then. I look forward to seeing what in store for us and hope to have a better life this time around. I hope it goes well when we try to find each other.
Hirohisa: I’m in a medium sized house, and looking down at me are my parents. My father is Date Yoshitsune and my mother’s name is SaraYui Yoshitsune. My new name is Akitsuya Yoshitsune. My parents are adventurers. My father hunts in the surrounding forest daily. My brother Asao Yositsune trains daily with our father and adores his baby brother. They are on good terms with the king and queen, and often eat dinner at the palace. The boys have an elf tutor. My mother is known as the best singer in the country. I love my new life though it can be boring at times, being a baby and all. I am spoiled by my older brother on a daily basis. I am the cutest dragon baby. I’m still trying to make a game plan to find everyone. I am currently trying to find out as much as possible about magic. I try to practice and find out whatever I can. My hearing is really good so it’s not hard to listen to people’s conversations, which helps me to find out more about the country and its people. They are not poor at all. My parents are humble and kind. I will start training with my father when I turn 6 but for now, I just wait to grow older. I move around a lot to alleviate the boredom and am very loved by my family. I try to become strong and prepared for whatever will come. I have a feeling the goddess was hiding something.

So right now our heroes are reborn and are working on growing up. Follow on their journey to grow up and be strong.

Chapter 4

It’s been four years and our heroes have been growing up nicely. Hikari is the last to celebrate her birthday. Her uncle who is the king of demon country is throwing her a birthday party. The king’s name is Jinan Akarui and he spoils her. It’s about noon and he starts his speech ‘’Welcome everyone and celebrate Hikari Aoi’s 4th birthday and we hope you will join us and pray for a good life for her so please eat a drink and toast to her health to Hikari.” Everyone’s toasted and then the dancing began. Everyone was having fun, everyone was dancing and singing to the music but one voice could be heard above all the rest. It was such a clear and beautiful voice that everyone stopped to listen. As everyone looked at the tiny body that the voice came from and was it so surprising that it was Hikari. Hikari kept singing unaware everyone was staring at her when the song was over Hikari opened her eyes and noticed everyone was staring at her. Everyone claps and praises her for having the most beautiful voice in the kingdom. As the festivities continued and the heroes found themselves side by side in the beginning introductions and chatting they were completely unaware that they had found each other. And as they decide to hold hand and dance in a circle a light started to admit from them they all decided to hold hands and dance in a circle and as they went faster and faster the light emitting from them grew brighter and brighter and it soon became noticeable to the guest that there was a light coming from the six children the children were unaware of the light .All the guests were watching the six kids soon noticed that the mark of the Goddess had appeared on the back of their nape which was visible to all. When the kids stopped spinning and the light had died down none of them had to realize that the marks had appeared. The king asked,
“do you guys know that while you spun a light came from you and the goddess mark appeared on your nape”. They all looked at each other and said” Ramen”, and so they knew that they had found each other. Not knowing how to explain the whole fact of their reincarnation and that they were in another world but they’re also surprised to find out that they can now speak telepathically. Before they can answer an army of creatures came storming in through the castle stained glass windows. All the guests rush to the other side of the room. We stood behind the king and our parents. Soldiers rushed in and stood on both sides of the king and our parents forming a wall in front of us. There were about a hundred and they were made of kitsune, oni, and jikininki. One of them stepped forward and spoke “We are here to escort the six-year children blessed by the goddess. Who are master will kill in a way befitting of those blessed by that stupid goddess. Master is going to snuff out your life before you can ruin anything. Our master is as great as the day is long, as Majestic as the wolves in the forest, as bright as the sun in the sky, as merciful as time itself. His very name means longtime bright and only he is our only master. The king speaks now “Your master will never have these children so long as I have breath in my lungs and life in my eyes.” The one speaks again “Our Master will have these children and we will take them. You will all die and we will wipe this kingdom off the maps forever and all the other kingdoms will follow suit.” The king said you are welcome to try but you will fail and so a battle ensued and the soldiers in the king were holding their own soon casualties occurred on both sides but they had more than we did. Only 20 of the intruders left and the one called a truce there is no reason to keep this up, even if you defeat the rest of us this time. We stepped in front and spoke up even if our parents are protecting us now and yes they will succeed. It doesn’t matter how many of you come whether it is us or our parent’s you will always be defeated. Evil will never succeed so long as we live and breathe. The one who just shook her head remembered my name little ones because I will kill you and my name is hiyakedome finish them and don’t come back unless you killed the children and bring their bodies as proof. We watched her jump out of the same window that they used. My father pushed me behind him. I noticed gaps on where the creatures could slip through I told the others. We warn the others and we watch our parents back half an hour later all of the creatures have been killed. Soldier’s victory cry rang down the hall, everyone started to come down.The king gave orders to dispose of and burn the creature’s bodies outside of town and to take care of the wounded. Thankfully few of our soldiers were killed, it was a sad day. Emiko starts to sing and a light comes out from her hands and the soldiers start healing. When she is done singing everyone’s healed and the fatigue cured. She says’’ I’m sorry this is all I can do for you right now and thank you for protecting me and my friends. “ She bows and everyone else is quite taken with her ladylike manners and her beauty.The king addresses the guests and asks them not to worry. No matter how many of the intruders come, they will never ever get our people.We will fight to the last man. We follow the king and our parents into a private room. The King sits in the chair, Hikari sits in his lap and she snuggles into his chest. The king decides it is time we learn something that has been forgotten. He is sitting nervously in his chair. He said “I know who their Master is and he wants us. Unfortunately, their master is my brother. His name is kuaki. When I was five my parents had another child named kusomajaime.” We all looked stunned and shocked. He continued, “ When I was ten he lost control of his powers and accidentally killed 3/4 of the people that were in the castle. Our family and the rest of the staff were afraid so my parents had his existence erased and acted like he was never born. He was sent far away to the human kingdoms and I never saw him again. I always wondered what happened after that or if he was alive. Since your parents are my friends they know about him but no one else remembers that he exists anymore. I guess he hates us after that and how they handled it. But it may be more than that and only God knows what he’s gone through.” The king was silent and looked sullen. We were all quietly thinking before it was suggested that we need to figure out what has been going on the last 20 years. We all realize that he won’t stop until the kingdom is no longer on the map. I feel bad that he couldn’t control his powers, he and other people suffered. I feel like he has struggled with the facts that all those people died because of him. I know it would be etched in my soul if it was me (atsuki). We are discussing our options and where to go from here. A suggestion was while the adults do some recon and keep an eye on what’s going on, we go to the Academy of Peaceful Gardens. It is a prestigious academy located on the border of the 4 countries. The school does not discriminate between the rich or the poor, everyone’s the same. All students are welcome whether they are learning magic or regular academics. All children receive an education and are welcomed warmly no matter their background or status. We agreed to this suggestion for the moment because we do need to get stronger and train so we can protect our citizens and the world.

Chapter 5

Even though we agree that we want to go to the academy, we are still only four years old. After we are done talking we head back to the ballroom. As the cleanup ends we resume hikaris party. They have set up child thrones for us. We are seated next to the king girls on one side and boys on the other. The order from left to right; Atsuhiko, Bhyrindaar, Akitsuya, Jinan (the king), Hikari, Ichika, and Emiko.We sit and enjoy the rest of the party there are acrobats, fire spitters, jugglers, dancing, musicians and more.The food is delicious there is meat, vegetables, fruit, wine for the adults, a huge 35 layer cake, and fruit juice for the kids.One side of it is chocolate and the other is vanilla and it has buttercream frosting. We dance and have a great time into the night. The girls looked so beautiful in their dresses. My mother was the most beautiful. She looks like a very elegant ethereal beauty.I will cherish my parents in this life because I did not have my parents in my last life. I danced with my mother as she twirls me in her arms. I leaned on her and hugged her content with the loving mother I was given. My father comes over, takes me into his arms and smiles. He always has a calm and cool look on his face. The only time his expression changes is when he’s looking at me or my mom. We dance as a family for a few hours. Around 9 our parents take us to go to bed. In our minds we are adults but our bodies are still that of children. As we headed to our guest room my mother was humming an elven lullaby. Before she can even lay me down on the bed, I am out. My baby bhrin is so adorable. He is such a kind and gentle son. when the creatures broke in. I saw the bravery and determination in his eyes. I know his path in life will be difficult. I only hope that I will be able to help him. I will always stand by my husband and child. I touch his cheek gently. He leans toward my touch and snuggles against my side. I lay there next to him and watched him sleep. I am thankful that he was born healthy and full of life. His father walks in and climbs in next to me. As he pulls me into his arms, I shift our child so that he is still next to me. Once we are all settled we drift off to sleep and love and warmth. when I wake up the next morning, my parents are still asleep. I get up and climb in between my parents and make a sound like they crushed me. They wake up and put me in between them and snuggle. An hour later we get up for breakfast, when we get down to the dining hall everyone is there. We eat a breakfast of eggs, fruit, rice, and milk. We still have a few days to hang around and visit before going back. We decided to hang out in the garden. as we are playing in the garden my mom decides to teach me more about Elven Magic. I learn how to make plants do my bidding. I practice with flowers, trees and other plants that are in the garden. Once I have it relatively mastered I have the flowers grow into braids themselves into a beautiful crown for my mother. I use magic to place it on my mom’s head. She loves it. Why do we eat lunch? I listen to stories from her and my dad. Over the next few days, I practice magic, play with my parents, and talk to the other kids. We all came from different areas and backgrounds in Japan so we learned about each other and our past. Once back home it was time to begin lessons and to prepare for the Academy. I have lessons in the morning and after lunch, the rest of the day was mine. learn history, art, music, etiquette, dancing, sword fighting, and diplomacy. This is our way of life for the next 3 years. We learn and prepare for the future. At the end of the three years, we all packed and were ready to head to the academy. After breakfast and double-checking our luggage, it is time to go. The goodbyes on long and sad but we need to go. It takes 3 days to get there by carriage. On the 4th day of the journey, we enter the city of Luneria. It is a beautiful city filled with white buildings and wonderful shops. The peaceful Gardens Academy is located in the center of the city. the people here are from all over the world therefore it is home to many diverse races. As we head to the academy, we see a lot of restaurants, bookshops, bakeries, and tailors. When we finally pull up to the gate of the Academy, I am super nervous. When we pull up to the front of the academy, the driver helps me down. The Academy’s attendants collect and send the luggage to our new rooms. Another attendant walks me down the hallway and we proceed to the room in which they are serving tea. The attendant opens the door and seats me in a table with a window view that is simply breathtaking. You can see the Academy’s lush garden and courtyard from here. Everyone is being served a refreshing herbal tea. There are fruits and sweets on a stand in the middle of the table. As well as milk and sugar for the tea. I sample a little to calm my nerves and they are delicious. One by one The others arrived and were seated at my table. It is nice to see everyone again. We catch up and talk about how things have been at home. we haven’t seen each other a lot over the three years. We only see each other at events or birthday parties. as we chat and attend walks to the front of the room and rings a bell. as everyone quiets down he begins to speak. my name is Erin. I am one of the many attendants here at the Academy. and everyone will follow me. I will bring you to the testing areas. we will test your abilities and then you will be placed accordingly. so everyone follows me and welcome to the academy of the peaceful Gardens. he heads to the door and everyone gets up and heads toward him. The others and I stay toward the back. as we head down a long corridor, and then outside. we go through the gardens into a Coliseum looking building. This is where we will have our magic and swordsmanship test. Besides us, there are 10 other kids who do exceptionally well in these tests. we go back to the building for our knowledge and decorum test. In this test, there are a lot if you do well in the quorum and some who do well in the Knowledge Test. We and the other kids who did well are placed in the same class. Each school year has a name and the class levels have names. Since you attend school from seven years old and she is 16an adult. There are nine names for each year you attend the Academy. First years are called orchids, second years are called zinnias, 3rd years are called Jasmines, fourth years are called flaming lilies, 5th year or called tacca chantrieri s, 6 years are called trichosanthes, 7th years are called bleeding hearts, 8-year call daturas, and 9 years are called Moonflowers. The classes are separated in terms of the level of ability. Class levels are opal, aquamarine, amethyst, and diamond. Each year students are separated into these classes. The better your ability the higher the class level you’re in. Most first-years are either in the opal or aquamarine classes. Only a quarter of students end up in the amethyst or Diamond classes each year. This year there are no diamond class students. We are in the amethyst class. Our skills are not Diamond level yet but they will be by the time we graduate. After everyone is situated and we are told the rules for our class in the school year. We are led to the cafeteria and seated at tables. Attendents brings you drinks and then you tell them which ones that you want from the menus on the table. After the table was ordered, they went to the kitchen. We sit and talk excitedly . After a few minutes the attendant comes and sets are lunch set down. We all start eating in while talking about our expectations for the next few years. After lunch, we are shown to our rooms to unpack. There are four students in each room. There are four beds, four dressers, four desks, a large dining table, each dresser has a mirror.The beds are clean and neat and there are two bathrooms. We all had to go to our beds and begin to unpack. As we unpacked we introduced ourselves to the girl we have never met, she is an elf girl named Clarice. We take a walk in the gardens after unpacking. While we walked in the gardens. We ran into the boys and their roommate Bayrine . He is a dramon. He is half demon and half dragon.

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Cassandra, I admire your courage to take on a novel with six characters. Agents, publishers, and teachers stress the importance of the first sentence and the first page. A couple of questions and tips. And I apologize for being pedantic. Does one character take on the role of the primary character, the protagonist, the “hero”? If not, I suggest you consider that. Stories work best with one central character with a hidden flaw and truth to learn and one goal. The PLOT is about the principal character wanting something and facing and overcoming more and more difficult obstacles to obtain (or fail to reach) the goal. This is what people pick up the book for.

The STORY is about something within the character that needs fixing, a deep flaw, a need. The storyline sort of rides under the plot and eventually become more important in the book’s structure.

Your first chapter is an info dump of character introduction and description. You have a lot going on. BUT if this is your first draft, just write it out and fix things in the rewrite. Everybody does, essentially. There are a couple of teachers available on the internet who offer classes that I’ve taken and they’ve immensely improved my skill. One is Jessica Brody Jessica Brody. Another is K.M. Weiland. Fabulous writers and teachers. I hope you work this out and create something that will wow your readers, give them something they won’t forget.

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Thank you for the information an encouragement. I want to do them having their own views and they are all the main characters and I plan to have t hmmm e each have character flaws and hidden past that caused the character flaws.

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I forgot to mention that you have to spell numbers unless you absolutely have to use the digit. Three, not 3…and so on.

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Oh ok thanks

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